Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
