I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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