I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
