3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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