...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
