im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Shitshow foam night was such a success
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
