I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
