dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
