New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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