you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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