OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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