my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
