Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
