YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize