Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
