There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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