the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drunk is not a location!
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