Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
