Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
