I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
