And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
