Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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