can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
