my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
