I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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