they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
