just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
