my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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