I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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