What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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