i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I need to calm my uterus...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
