God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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