So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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