I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize