i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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