I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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