I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
