checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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