you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
