Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
