Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
