dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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