do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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