you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
