I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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