don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize