I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
