He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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