I seem to have left my pride at pride
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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