Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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