my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
