I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize