i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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