don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
