hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
