I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
