I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize