My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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