I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
