Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
