You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
